IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY

By Debbie Bulloch



The last few weeks have seen major changes in my life and in the lives of people whom I love very dearly.

Nearly three weeks ago, the mother of my close RL friend and SL supporter SanPaul Held passed away after a long illness. The shock of her death (we knew that the end was near, but when it finally came, it was still shocking) was followed by her funeral and burial. It was so hard to witness her coffin being lowered into the cold, dark ground. The woman that was now being buried had once upon a time been so alive, so vibrant, so full of love and life. As the casket was being lowered and dirty piled on top of it I realized how big my friend’s loss was going to be – I was not her daughter and I felt a huge hole in my heart.

This week, after a short family vacation, my daughter finally matriculated in college. I was the good mommy, I attended the meeting for parents, I helped her move her stuff to school, we went shopping for supplies for her dormitory room and all the while I kept up a brave front and a cheerful smile – though inside my heart was breaking a little piece at a time.

For those of you who have not gone through the college-bound-child ritual, my feelings may seem a tad melodramatic. Maybe they are - but like the lion in the Wizard of Oz, I now know that I have a heart; over the past few days I have felt it break, piece by piece.

I am very happy to see her go off to college. I am extremely proud of her achievements; I never cease to be amazed at her composure and maturity. (If ONLY I had been as smart and wise and composed as she is when I was her age!) Still, it is hard for a parent to see the child that she once held in her hands all of the sudden grow up and take flight on her own two, beautiful wings.

These days have been bittersweet. My child is doing what I wish I had myself done. She is about to enter a brave new world full of new experiences, new friends; new doors will open and her world will grow exponentially - by leaps and bounds - as her mind is filled with new ideas and concepts. This is the sweet part.

The bitter part is that my child is no longer a baby. I cannot put my arms around her, and hold her tight, protecting her from the meanness and ugliness that are part of the world (surely, as beauty and love are also part of the world). The child that I lovingly held in my arms, shielding her from harm is now entering the real world – I will not always be able to be there to protect her from danger. That is a good thing, she will need to fight her own battles because I will not always be there to fight them for her.

For me, part of the sadness will hit, like a hammer, when I walk around our house late at night and she will not be there in her room, sleeping soundly and safe within the four walls of our home. Tonight, the house already feels big and oh so very empty.

I have been told that I am a good mom and parent. I have raised her to the very best of my abilities; I have been her mom and I have been her dad. I am confident that the lessons that I have taught her over the past 17 years of her young life will stand her in good stead.

I am also a tough mom; in the past few days although my heart has been breaking I have not cried a single tear. There will be enough time for that. For the time being, all my daughter has seen are smiles, all she has felt are hugs and kisses and all she knows is that her mom loves her very much and will always be there to support her as she makes her way through this new and wonderful journey.

I think that is what she wants and deserves from her mom.

This song, by the group Nickelback came on the radio as we were driving back from our family holiday. I think that SanPaul’s mom was trying to send all of us a message.


Nickelback – IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY



I plan to return, “full-time,” in a few days. In the meantime thank you all very much who have helped to hold the fort while I was gone.

Thank you!